I’ve never been suicidal, but I have been incredibly sad. Like… so sad I wanted to die.
This is how I overcame that.
My mom died in 2005. I adored her. You know how kids sometimes ask each other, “who do you like more, your mom or your dad?” I chose her every time.
Some time before that my parents divorced and grandparents gained custody of little sister and me. My mom passed due to drug and alcohol overdose and my dad had his own demons: drugs and alcohol included. I never had any sort of stable father-daughter relationship, (but really, is that even a thing?). Long story short, I feel like I never had “parents”. My Nana and Pappaw were, and still are, my parents. And for that I will be FOREVER grateful.
Cut to October of 2019 — my dad lost his battle to cancer.
I felt the need to do a lot of forgiving before he passed but had no idea how. He was in hospice, and how could I sit in front of this comatose man to tell him that I truly forgive him when there could be no possibility of ever having a normal relationship again?
Yeah, he said he’d change. One, two, 500 times. But he couldn’t, and now it’s too late. There is no way he could deep dive back into his childhood, moving from toddler – to kid – to teenager – to grown man, and heal all of the wounds originally making him an addict. Making him what I thought he was for the majority of my life: a loser.
I can’t say he didn’t try to get clean. He eventually entered into rehab, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if he ever got better. When he started his rehabilitation I figured we’d finally have somewhat of a relationship, but in reality it plummeted even further.
So, I go through the motions. I sit in the hospital room with my sister and half-brother as we all say we love and forgive him. But did I really? The entire two weeks we had spent with him prior, I felt as if my brother and sister were truly making good progress. I felt like they did actually forgive him. I wanted to make it seem as if I did too, because I didn’t want to add fuel to this horrible fire. Just as I took my turn saying I loved him, my dad, who had been asleep for the past two days, meekly looks up at me and waves with a soft smile across his face. I think, “oh shit. He heard me, does that mean I really have to forgive him now?” It was then, for the first time in my entire life, that I truly felt seen by my father. But I still wasn’t sure if I’d experienced true forgiveness.
He died a couple days later.
It took a while for me to come to terms with this, but my parents needed drugs and alcohol. They needed them to get by, to stay on this earth with my sister and me just a little bit longer. Without them, they may have been gone much earlier in life. Whatever pain it was they were trying to numb must have been excruciating. It breaks my heart that they couldn’t muster up the courage to slay their inner demons and make it right so they could live out all their dreams and desires as a family. They simply wanted peace and to mute all the bullshit going on inside. Who can blame them for that?
Yes, they could’ve gone the healthy route and gotten clean. I so wish that is what happened. But you can only get help from so many outside resources before it gets to a point you realize you need to help yourself first. That’s the kicker, that’s what my parents truly believed they needed to help themselves.
It wasn’t until March of this year that I was finally able to forgive them, and in turn forgive myself.
So, Coronavirus, am I right? Covid-19 came into this year HOT — ready to flip everyone’s lives upside down. I was furloughed from my job which ended up being a huge blessing in disguise. Sadly though, my now husband was considered “essential”, meaning I’d be by myself for the majority of the week. This scared the hell out of me. I’m a people-person, how could I possibly spend the entire day with only my dog to talk to?! Luckily I figured that out rather quickly — oh, and also changing my entire outlook on life in the process.
One day during my alone time I just so happened to stumble upon a 21-Day Meditation Experience led by Oprah and Deepak Chopra, called, “Hope in Uncertain Times”. I decided to try it out even though I had failed so many times in the past, something felt different this time. I was committed to seeing it through because I was fed up with my own bullshit. I was fed up with hating my parents and being unfulfilled in parts of my life that I could only blame myself for: getting a degree in something I’d been told I was never good enough in, thousands of dollars in debt, working meaningless job after job just because I needed money, now being furloughed from one of those current jobs, etc. etc. etc. The pity party was REAL. My spirit was broken, but little did I know my higher self had just arrived with all the glue I needed to put myself back together.
Literally the SECOND day of that meditation challenge I had a breakthrough that was 27 years in the making. The theme for that day was: “Hope is always available” and to that I can now say, uh, hell yeah it is. I’m sitting there in the meditation trying to focus on what Deepak calls the “centering thought”, which was, “The power of hope is here every day.”
Interpret this next part as you wish.
I get into the thought, when all of the sudden my parents show up at the forefront of my mind. I see the three of us laying in a field of daisies having a full-fledged conversation. They say how they’ve missed me and how they’re so proud of how strong I am to get to this point. They told me they’ve been waiting for me. We continue on speaking for a while and I’m watching it all happen from above. I see me having this conversation. Keep in mind that this meditation is only 20 minutes long, but it seemed like I was laying in that field for hours.
Deepak’s voice snaps me out of it wrapping up the session for the day and I proceeded to have… a panic attack? An awakening? What the hell? I started weeping, hard. Harder than I ever have. I couldn’t breathe, my whole body was trembling, but I felt this extreme weight lift from my body. Suddenly the phrase, “see with new eyes”, played very loudly over and over in my head. So I took some deep breaths and decided to let my body feel this intense emotion. I didn’t want to control it, it was time for me to release control. All of the tension, anger, resentment came flowing out of my body and I quietly say to myself, “I forgive them, I do. And I forgive myself for everything I’ve put myself through up to this point.”
Well, that happened. Then I sat there for a while wondering if I should tell anyone but decided against it. It wasn’t time.
About a month afterwards I continued working on myself every day (look out for upcoming blogs on what I did and am still doing). While in the shower, it hits me that I need to become some sort of life-coach. BOOM, THERE’S THE LIGHT BULB I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR! In a little less than a month I had been learning and learning countless numbers of ways to help myself, and now it’s time to help others. I’ve always wanted a career in helping others through laughter, but what if I could add helping people become their best selves in the process? Yes, this is it. I talked to my husband a bit about it and since he is a true angel in human form, he agreed I should go for it if it’s something I want to do.
So this is exactly what I’m doing. I want to be an open book because I am not perfect myself and never will be. But I want to walk beside you as we work together to achieve your wildest dreams. I’m going to talk about manifesting, affirmations, synchronicity, all of the good things! They’re coming your way because it came my way, and for once in my life I’m sticking to a goal and not looking back. Let’s build each other up to live the lives we were made to live, because light always finds its way through darkness. Together we can all see with new eyes.