Like, for real. You know how you always have good intentions when beginning a new habit, then feel kind of shitty when you fall out of it? Well… it was nothing like that at all. It was 1,000x worse — and I couldn’t be more thankful.
In a previous blog I mentioned how I was furloughed from work for three months earlier this year. During those three months I meditated every-single-day and it was magical. I felt more peaceful, present, less reactive, and more. I had unlocked my higher self and finally knew what it felt like to live in the high-vibration state I had only read about in books. Truly, it was life-changing and I was committed to doing it for at least 10 minutes daily moving forward.
LOL. How cute of me to think I could do something like that! Honestly, I’m adorable.
Now, I don’t want to blame this on going back to work because at the end of the day, it’s my responsibility to keep up a personal habit. However, I am a Taurus and would like to take a moment to base my entire personality off of my zodiac sign.
Tauruses thrive in comfort and are very stubborn. Meaning, me going back to work after being at home getting my mental shit together three months prior = recipe for disaster, baby! I got back to work and still managed to get my meditation in for the first week or so. But you know how it goes, it only takes missing ONE DAY to get completely thrown off balance. For me, anyway. Going back to working 40 hours a week, I would come home, veg out, crash, and do it all again the next day. Then on my days off I was in such a tizzy I honestly didn’t know which way was up!
We can’t always change what’s happening around us, but we can change what happens within us.Andy Puddicombe, Headspace co-founder
About three weeks ago I was at the gynecologist for a yearly check-up. “How are you?” she asked. My mind swelled with thoughts which sent me into fight-or-flight mode, and of course I chose to fly. “I’m fine…” I gurgled.
“Lindsey, I don’t like that answer. How are you really?”
Here’s a mental image for you: there I was, lying back in my chair, hospital gown on, feet in stirrups, bracing myself for a pap smear, having a mental breakdown at the gyno. No better place to cry while your baby maker is on full display, I guess.
I went on to explain to her the mental struggles I was having the past month (even though I have 27 years worth of grade-A content for her!). How I was doing extremely well during my months off work, meditating daily, working to become a LIFE COACH… I felt so unworthy and small in that moment. I finally cracked as she told me I have to stop trying to be the one to save myself, that I can get professional help and that is o-k. All the work I’d done earlier this year barely scratched the surface, but I’m glad I was able to etch off that top layer.
She discussed the medication route as well as the therapy route, which I excitedly chose to do both because I needed help ASAP — and still do. The noise in my mind gets so loud sometimes I feel like my ears are going to bleed.
“Why didn’t you do _____ today?” “If you don’t get the dishes done your ENTIRE apartment will stink.” “You do know you’re a failure because you’re not using your college degree, right?” “Why didn’t ____ laugh at my joke earlier?” “Are you being present in this moment?”
“Are you listening, Lindsey?”
It’s loud. It’s so earth-shatteringly loud in my head and I know I can do better. I can BE better. I am so thankful for getting out of the loop with my meditation, because that breakdown at the gynecologist saved my life.
I’ve been taking anti-depressants since that day and have already had my first therapy appointment. Since that day, I’ve been setting aside time for ME to meditate, read a good book, or do absolutely nothing. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps you operate in a “normal” way, and I can happily say I’m already feeling much more balanced since I started. Having a day off and putting away my phone, doing nothing is completely fine. Needless to say, I’m chomping at the bit to read this again in a year and give myself a huge pat on the back for all the progress I’ll have made.
If someone can’t respect the time I take for myself, they don’t deserve to know me in the first place.
Besides, I’m a Taurus. And I do whatever the hell I want.