The Month of October

I don’t really know the exact words to say that could best explain how I feel about this topic. I have taken years to evaluate how I feel; and I think, as a woman, we just need to talk about this. I have yet to see this type of dialogue openly discussed. This type of topic is very, very taboo. But again, as a woman, I feel strongly we should visit this specific topic, from varying viewpoints.

Miscarriage. 1 in 4 women will experience this at least once in their life time.

For some, they have prayed for years for that baby and finally conceive. Some go through rounds of fertility treatments despite their infertile diagnosis, and by the grace of science finally conceive. By luck, the universe granted a child, so why was it taken away from them? Many search for the answers as to why they had a miscarriage, desperate and frantic to understand.

But what about the women who had a miscarriage, and never experienced the ‘expected’ emotions that come with a miscarriage? What about the women that didn’t feel that inner turmoil, sadness, depression, anxiety, PTSD, guilt, confusion, anger? Sure, they went through the motions, pain, and memories but ultimately they were not upset… what about those women?

I was one of those women.

In 2016, I had a miscarriage. At that time, I was actually trying to conceive but once I did, the pregnancy was not viable. I was not far along; and sometimes I say that to justify my lack of an emotional response, to normalize my reaction to the miscarriage. Over time, it became apparent my ex-husband and I could not conceive. For those of you that have followed my story with my ex-husband, your sentiments may echo those of others who have told me, “it must not have been meant to be” or “could you imagine what your situation would have been like if you did have a child with him?”

The simple answer was no. Because in fact, I did not have a baby.

Every year in October, I see many women share their personal, heart-breaking stories of infant loss.

I shed tears of empathy and sympathy for them and their family. I read those words of want and desire and their prayers finally being answered just for them to be taken away. I know my miscarriage is nothing less or more, but I think it is important to talk about the other side of the dice of life. I want to have children. I want to start a family. I wonder if I can or if my next one will be successful. I have those similar thoughts as other women.

However, I still think back to what went through my head that day. Ultimately, that day I was truly not upset or heartbroken that I miscarried. Maybe my gut knew it wasn’t meant to be… maybe my friends were right, that was the best outcome.

As a person who has studied sociology and has done extensive research on why people react and respond the way they do in uncomfortable situations, I can understand mine and other people’s feelings on miscarriage. As a human, we all process grief differently and that was the first time I had to swallow that hard pill. I grieved later, years in fact, down the road. I grieved that it was not the right time and it makes me sad that the life I imagined then did not play out like I thought it would. But that’s okay — this is the hard part. The life I live now is ideal and positive; but those intrusive thoughts still are planted in my brain.

I took years to type this up, thinking I was alone and there was something wrong with me.

I have so much love to give, why do I feel this way? But there isn’t anything wrong with me. It was a part of my journey, may it be ugly, it still happened, and I am justified to feel the way I do.

To wrap this up, I really just wanted to get it out in the open so if any other women have gone through this: know you are not alone and you are not a bad person. Just because you didn’t have the expected reaction to your miscarriage, it does not mean you wouldn’t have enjoyed your life with that baby. It does not mean you would not be happy or successful or get out of that toxic relationship.

I truly hope this helps others, if anything at least sheds light on the elephant in the room.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger due to depression, contact 911. If you or someone you know is in need of support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255); En Español 1-888-628-9454 or text “HELLO” to 741741 the Crisis Text Line.

Koreena BirdwellLeave a comment

The Great Disappearing Act

TW // suicidal ideation, suicide, death, pills

What happens when someone disappears without a trace; what happens when they decide to reappear?

How are you expected to react; how are you supposed to feel? Are you allowed to even be upset? I asked these same questions of myself every day for two weeks. I also spent a lot of time emotionally tearing myself apart.

I had an amazing partner who took care of me during a very busy time and lacked personal space; he cooked and cleaned for me, and sucked it up when my dog burrowed between us in bed. He even almost had me consider having a child. Flash forward to when I tried to break up with my partner the first time, all of my friends knew it was coming. But when I decided to try the relationship again, I didn’t tell all of my friends in fear that they would shame me or ask me why the hell did I do that again. And of course, it was pretty good for a little bit, but I was starting to catch on that something was off [with him].

A few months ago, my partner had went to the Dominican Republic to follow protocol for his work visa. I hadn’t heard from him for two days and I grew extremely concerned. It wasn’t until the following Tuesday or Wednesday that he finally admitted he was assaulted by a group of men and had his money/passport stolen (but still had his phone).

Why did it take him so long to tell me?

I had to fight tooth and nail to find out before he told me what had happened. It was exhausting, but I got the answers I needed & told him to please never hide safety things like this from me; he’s too important for that.

This wasn’t the first time someone had disappeared on me; not even two months earlier, I was dating someone and they also seemed to have disappeared into thin air. So albeit I’m a strong, independent woman, I still have triggers such as that one that will drive me into a dark place.

Although I didn’t want to believe that it would happen again, it would; a few more times in fact.

The Fourth of July is always a joyous weekend right? Everyone getting shitfaced with their pseudo patriotism and all – everyone including my partner. He and his co-workers partied the entire 3-day weekend, and I hadn’t heard one peep from him at all. Was I mad? Yes, but only because I hadn’t heard from him – I truly wanted him to enjoy his holiday weekend.

It was all sorry’s and “I promise it won’t happen again, I just wasn’t paying attention, then I lost my phone.” And again, I took the bait and went with it. Then it came back up another weekend, I hadn’t heard from him for almost another 3 days. I was mentally unable to handle much more, so I sent, “I cannot do this anymore, I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel cared about.” It was a long weekend of fighting, drinking, and coming back together over tears and FaceTime. However, I should’ve REALLY paid attention to the signs & listened to my instincts at that point. But, the hopeless lover and romantic that I am, I couldn’t give up.

Once again, things seemed to steady and he returned to his home country to fulfill the work visa requirements once again. He was living 6 hours into the future, and it wasn’t the first time we dealt with this. It made things difficult in terms of communication, but damn it, we tried. We texted and FaceTimed when we were awake at the same time, and I’d watch him cook dinner during my lunch time. It felt like he was back in my kitchen while I was working away. There’s something comforting about hearing the sound of a knife hitting a cutting board and onions frying in the pan.

Everything was okay there for the first week and a half; then it became much more inconsistent.

It started with a day where he didn’t text at all, which is fine, you’re doing the things because you just got home. And he would sleep such long days, his sleep was all messed up (maybe jet lag, but he was supposed to be good by now), and I really should’ve known then what was going on. Then he began to read my messages but wouldn’t respond; at first it was just two days, then three… then four. Then it went a whole week and the next, still nothing of mine had been read. It would’ve been exactly two weeks I hadn’t heard from him. However, as things go, he miraculously turned up.

So back to the questions – how am I supposed to feel? Am I allowed to even be upset?

It was a casual moment, I had been texting friends – specifically, texting with one who had been talking about a cute girl she’s talking to, with another discussing how my apartment is trash, and sending a third friend a meme about ADHD. Then I felt my phone buzz and I looked to the top of the screen, there his name was beside the green icon. As he was sending more messages, I felt my throat crawling down my chest and into my stomach.

To put it bluntly, within his two week hiatus, I had to come to terms with the fact that he has either: died, went off on a binge, or decided that I wasn’t worth contacting anymore. But to my surprise, it was only one of them, more like almost one of them…

As a girlfriend, you hope to be the person that your partner goes to when they’re feeling downtrodden or depressed. But sometimes, that same person that you love and trust may not feel safe enough to express that.

I knew he had been extremely tired the past few months, but despite the hard physical labor, him sleeping in so much when he got back to his home country, that wasn’t normal. Him barely texting me was odd; and not to mention he had confessed to me he had been feeling really sad one night, but he said this when I was barely awake. Yet, when I asked about it the next day, he only read my message and never responded.

Today, I found out that cause of his two week disappearance: he tried to take his own life. He took too many stress relief pills and overdosed, but someone luckily found him.

And although I know this is not my fault, knowing that night could’ve been our last conversation we ever had was absolutely soul-crushing to learn. I almost lost someone and would have never even known that he was gone. Losing someone who I told a few times that I, myself, had been feeling dark like that, would have ended me. So I have to ask as well, do I have the right to be angry? To be honest, I don’t even know how I am supposed to feel. I don’t get to be angry that he disappeared, I don’t get to be angry that I sat for two weeks questioning who I was and what I did. I don’t get to be upset that I was given less than an hour to digest two weeks of pain and confusion.

Now, I want to come back around and briefly talk about men’s mental health, specifically suicide awareness.

The 2019 statistics below come from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and were collected by the CDC:

  • 47,511 Americans died by suicide
  • There were an estimated 1.38M suicide attempts
  • Men died by suicide 3.63x as often as women

For the friends and family members who are concerned for their loved ones, reach out with something more than “I am here for you, I will listen to you.” Try something more like, “What can I do for you?… What can I provide for you?… I’m dropping off some snacks/food/movies/games that I remembered that you love at your door. I respect your space, but I am here to invite you out to wxyz thing if you would like to join me…”

And lastly, I want to say this: if you are in pain, if you’re feeling alone, if you feel like you have no other options – please remember, you are not alone, you are loved and worthy of love, you are wanted, you are seen, and you matter.

Suicide Hotlines:

Teddi LynnLeave a comment

Winnie’s Story: Young and Diagnosed

On the outside, Winnie H. looks like any 27-year-old woman: beautiful, thin, tan and well put together. She works two jobs, like any other twenty-something, tries to go to the gym as often as possible, has an enormous library on her kindle and is completing a job certification. However, on the inside, she is in constant pain. Winnie has Fibromyalgia.

I met Winnie at the age of 14. I, like most other teenagers, was full of energy and eager to do anything for fun. I knew that Winnie had some sort of illness, but I never fully understood why she hated giving me hugs or why some days she felt like she couldn’t get out of bed. As I got older and talked more with her, I learned more about the “disease” Winnie had and why it affected her the way it did.

Today, I sat down with Winnie to ask her more questions about what Fibromyalgia was and how it affected her.

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How old were you when you realized something was wrong? What kind of symptoms were you feeling?

I was 10 years old. It was after I had my appendix taken out and I figured all of the pain I felt was because of that, but then it started to get worse. The pain got to be unbearable. I didn’t like the feeling of my clothes on my body. I couldn’t let anyone touch me at all. Even when family would try to hug me, it hurt too much, so I’d run away from them. I pretty much avoided “goodbyes” at family gatherings.

To describe the pain…on good days it feels sort of like body aches from the flu. On bad days, it feels like pins and needles, like when you sit on your foot for too long and it falls asleep– that numbness and needle-prick feeling. My legs were the worst back then. Sometimes they’d randomly give out on me.

The pain all over my body would get so bad that it made me vomit or would send me into panic attacks. I didn’t know what was happening or how to handle it!

How long did it take for doctors to diagnose you with Fibromyalgia? Were you wrongfully diagnosed at first?

Before they figured it out, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, really anything mental because they thought the pain was all in my head or I was faking it. One doctor would say it was one thing and the next doctor disagreed and said it was something else! I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 13, almost 14, years old.

What different kinds of tests or treatments have you tried over the years?

I went to many different therapists, like VERY different. One was super peppy and was all like “LET’S COLOR,” and another was just like, “here’s your meds, ma’am.”

I also tried these breathing treatments for awhile at the children’s hospital. It was actually kind of fun though, like a video game. They hooked me up to this heart monitor that was attached to a screen and I’d stare at a tree or build a bridge with my breathing patterns and heart rate.

In middle school, I had to wear a heart monitor for a week because apparently I had a heart murmur too, so that’s really cool. They had me wear this helmet thing too to measure my brain waves or something.

My back doctor wanted to try giving me shots in my spine but I was like, “HELL NAH!” That’s kind of funny though because now my back is where my worst pain is.

I tried a lot of physical therapy and massage therapy. Massage Therapy was my favorite. I also tried hydro-therapy where they change it from really cold to really hot but that was the worst! Extreme cold makes my muscles tense up. I can’t handle temperature changes very well.

What about medications? Did you experience any bad side effects?

Once I was on an antidepressant that made me hallucinate! I saw all kinds of weird stuff. I saw a glowing, blue, f***ing bird everywhere! It swooped down at me once at Walmart and I looked like a lunatic trying to dodge that damn bird. I always tried to laugh it off though.

The thing about medication is that if it has possible side effects, I’m probably going to get them. I guess I’m really sensitive to meds. Even the antidepressant I’m on now makes me so nauseated that I’ll usually throw up once a day. I just have to try a lot of things to see what works.

The biggest problem I had though, was that I went to like 5 different doctors at once and they never talked to each other. I took so many medications at once that I had these things I’d call “mini overdoses.” I’d be awake but lying there, unable to move or speak, and it was really hard to breathe! Those were the scariest moments of my life. As soon as I came out of them I’d run down to my mom, freaking out about how something was NOT right.

What kinds of medications or treatments do you use today?

By the time I was 18, I was on 22 different pills a day. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me and our breakup gave some sort of wake up call. I decided to go cold turkey on all my meds at once. I was withdrawing so bad that I was hugging the toilet and shaking for what seemed like forever. After that, I chose my own medications.

Now I’m taking a new antidepressant. There’s no “happy pill,” but this one really helps. I honestly didn’t plan on living past 18 years old. I had plans to kill myself. I still have some passive suicidal idealizations, but I want to live now.

Aside from that, I’m now taking Vyvanse, which is usually for ADHD, so it seems weird that I’d take it with Fibromyalgia. It helps with the brain fog, I call it “fibro fog.” I can sort of handle the pain nowadays, but I can’t deal with the fog. I literally have fallen asleep from it, standing up, at work!

“Fibro fog” is where you can’t think clearly or remember anything. It’s like my thoughts are moving through oil in my head. Answering simple questions like “What did you have for breakfast today?” are too difficult. I’d be like, “did I even eat today?” The fog is the hardest thing for me, even though my pain is still at an all time high. I hate it because I need to work; I need to study and think. It’s all too hard to do with the fog.

I also occasionally will take a muscle relaxer. My spine swells and locks sometimes at night and the pain keeps me from sleeping, so a muscle relaxer helps me get to sleep.

How does Fibromyalgia affect your mental health?

For so many years, people told me my disease wasn’t real and people still think that today. It really f***s with me. Even doctors who are educated on the disease have written me off like I was faking it.

I have severe depression. If I go into a bad swing of depression, my fibromyalgia flares up, because my mental health and physical symptoms tie into each other.

I used to have panic attacks that were so bad I’d black out at school and my mom had to pick me up and bring me to the hospital. My anxiety is still very present in my life today, but I struggle more with depression.

Has Fibromyalgia ever affected your ability to live a “normal life?”

I couldn’t get my driver’s license when everyone else did because I was having absent seizures. When my seizures got better and I got the OK to get my license, I too afraid to get it. I was worried that I’d have a seizure while driving and kill a whole family! Fibromyalgia has made me fearful of so many things.

I used to drink a lot to numb the pain. In middle school and high school I’d drink a vodka and orange juice before school even! I continued to take my meds when I drank too. Alongside alcohol, I used to smoke pot a lot to ease the pain I felt.

Maybe this is TMI, but sex is very difficult with Fibromyalgia! Having sex on your bad days is nearly impossible. On your good days, you’re in a lot of pain, but you can still orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex and still do it! It’s just very difficult to enjoy it as much as you could without Fibromyalgia.

Tell me about why you decided to pursue massage therapy.

I had a massage therapist in middle school and high school named Nina. She helped me through SO much. When she first got me, I would tense up and squeal every time she touched me. She helped me build up a tolerance for physical contact. She also truly listened to me when I told her I was in pain and really worked with me.

One day on her massage table, I looked up and told her I wanted to do what she does and she told me that I could. All of my doctors shot down my dreams and said I wouldn’t be able to do anything. They said I’d be in a wheel chair by the time I was 45. Nina believed in me.

I want to help people that are like me or even older people. One time I got to help a special needs girl who was ready to live on her own and get a job, but she’d never been touched!

I want to help people the way that Nina helped me.

What advice do you have for anyone dealing with Fibromyalgia?

Cry as much as you need to, but make sure to laugh it off.

F*** the people who say your disease is just in your head. It’s real. Don’t let them make you second guess yourself. No one truly knows what you’re feeling except for you. Fight for yourself.

I think the the most important piece of advice I have is to find your support group and hold on tight. If I didn’t have my mom who did anything and everything she could to make me feel better, I don’t know where I’d be. If I didn’t have such understanding friends who supported me and never let me be alone when I was sad, I don’t think I’d be here today. Being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is not lucky, but being blessed with my support group was the luckiest thing that happened to me.

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Winnie H. has been through so many trials and tribulations due to her early diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Her mother did everything she could for her, but still worried that one day she’d come home to find her daughter dead. Thanks to Winnie’s strong soul, determined mind and loving support system, this inspirational young woman is on her way to change lives. She has overcome the odds and will continue to do so throughout her entire life.

Those of you who are reading this and suffering from Fibromyalgia, know that you are not alone. Your pain is REAL.

Zoë Cardinal1 Comment