A Meditation for spider body

I miss you, my darling

For the world is waking up

I no longer feel like I need to make apologies anymore

I thought my heart died alongside him

I thought other people were the inspiration for why I made up words,

But it’s radically becoming obvious- I am in tune with myself and the way my legs are spread like a spider every day upon waking up.

My thighs are one with my cushion

and everything is rooted

breathing once or twice

Thinking of the power of my body

where I so tightly held my fear

the fear of the cartilage in my kneecaps

would slowly disappear

but my security was restored after my mother outlined what I thought was missing and mysterious bone, and she told me it would be okay.

It’s going to be okay!

The fact I think I’m in love again, but yet I have the grace to understand I’m in love with the visible petals on the flower right now-

but his dirt and roots are what I’m attracting to.

I’m never more in love

or aware of gardening and growth metaphors

Until I can feel my own stomach growl,

Because I know what she needs

and I’m waking up to finding the energy to sustain

the power I hold in my own body and mind.

Physical attraction and the sleepy satisfaction

of realizing the weight of my own body on the bed,

and the thoughts-

and silent prayers of appreciation said in ten minute increments,

and the imaginary trace of his presence,

perhaps maybe on a good day of which I will decide,

he may get a glimpse of who I was and who I am-

My body is mine

She’s free again from the weight of sadness and criticism, but she still prepares for waves of grief

and holds gratitude for the vices of yesterday I put in it.

Moving forward exists in the faith I am now putting in it,

to guide me to yet another time and place

of where time and intimacy and touch,

and confessions on an ordinary Thursday night

where I thank him,

but only after I thank myself,

for validating the sappiness within the heart,

and gratitude for the satisfaction of living again.