I have big boobs, but a little over a year ago I had BIG BOOBS. I was in 8th grade when I got to the point where if I didn’t wear a bra, I was in absolute agony and holding my arms tightly over my chest all day. And they only got larger from there. I wore a size C bra until I was a junior in high school, and it took an entire day to find a store that could measure me appropriately. My life up until a year ago was horror when it came to anything that was going to be covering my chest; bras, bikini tops, t-shirts, button up shirts. Nothing fit correctly.
I assume at this point you’re asking for just a crumb of context, wondering, “How big were you? It couldn’t have been that bad…” and “Dating must have been easy, guys must have been all over you?” Well, it’s these assumptions I’ve come to put in the same dumpster as my titties before I set it on fire.
First of all, lets explain how big I was versus how big I am now.
I recently discovered a boob to pancake batter calculator, so we’re going to do it that way.
From the age of 13 to 25, I was carrying around the equivalent of 86 pancakes on my chest, every day. Can you even fathom that many pancakes? I know I can’t. Now imagine, a young teenager, only five foot three inches, stumbling around the halls of junior high, with all of those hormones and angst and cringe… but now she’s carrying 86 pancakes worth of batter in a fanny pack. Not only does that sound horrifically embarrassing, but it’s just down right cumbersome.
I’m now only carrying around a svelte 86 pancakes, which an adult body can carry better than young teen. It’s still way too many pancakes, but it is infinitely more manageable.
Here’s the chart so you can find out the grotesque amount of pancakes you carry around daily:
You would think that any well meaning adult would want a young child to carry around an appropriate amount of pancakes, right? Wrong. I can’t tell you how many GROWN ASS WOMEN would tell me “Oh, people pay good money for what you have!”, “At least let them catch you a man first”, “You’re so lucky, I wish I had boobs, but I’m so flat!”
I was literally a child, wearing ill fitting bras that hurt me and left scars on my torso, or I was spending a whole measly Pizza Hut paycheck on a $66 bra because at the time there were no cheap options for people like me. I had to special order my bikini tops from Britain. I longed to shop in the bra section at Kohl’s, but I had to trek my ass thirty mins away to the FancyPants Mall in RichPeoplestan to go to a freakin Nordstrom’s in order to buy something that would only scar me a little bit.
While my friends got to buy phones and video games and eat out after school everyday, I was saving money so I could have a backup bra for when mine wore out because my bra was carrying around 86 sweaty pancakes incased in meat sacks everyday. I wore a sports bra to bed at night because if I didn’t I WOULD SAG. I was 16 and if I didn’t wear a bra 24/7 I would look like a 68-year-old who burned her bra in the 70’s and didn’t care that her nips touched her knees.
But as a 16-year-old I cared quite a bit, if you can imagine. Not to mention, if I went bra-less and had to walk up stairs or go faster than a walk… my boobs would cause black eyes for everyone in the tristate area.
This also made dress shopping an actual nightmare. I wanted to wear cute dresses that were strapless, or had fun open backs, or literally anything other than a tank top with thick straps, but it was not to be. I wore the same style of dress to everything, and while I still looked cute, I missed out on all the sassy clothes only teens can pull off.
In the picture below, where I’m in the car, notice the rut in my shoulder from the plastic clear strap of the bra I was wearing, which was four cup sizes too small for me. I adopted the pin-up girl look, because those A-line designs were the only thing that didn’t make me look like a boob with legs. In the rock climbing picture, I’m wearing a bra that fits, but you can still see just how aggressive those things were on my chest. It honestly probably made my rock climber’s shoulder worse than it would have been. The last one is a picture of just one of my many underwire scars from the night before my surgery.
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The worst thing about having big boobs, for me at least, was how difficult they made it for me to do the things I loved to do.
I stopped riding horses and rock climbing. Rock climbing just had these extra challenges because my torso was three inches farther from the rock face than everyone else’s. Paired with the fact I’m so short, it was kind of a wonder I was able to climb up to 5.10 when I was climbing regularly.
I didn’t realize how much I loved to be outside and active until after I had four pounds of tissue removed from my chest. Four pounds of pressure on my upper back I no longer had to deal with, four pounds lighter to move around with more ease, and probably two inches slimmer in my chest. Clothes aren’t a pain in the ass anymore, at least no more so than they are for other women in general.
I get that women who are “flat-chested” want boobs, and that they would look at me and think how perfect my life must be because I have such great boobs. But it’s the same thing as hair; if you have straight hair you want it curly, and vice versa.
I know if I had started out flat that I most certainly would have envied some women their chesticles, but let me tell you that it stops being fun and flirty at a point and starts being a literal pain in your back.
Before my surgery, I woke up everyday at a four on the pain scale and went to bed at a six. EVERYDAY. From the age of 12, my back ached constantly. I rarely took pain killers because I was so used to the pain that it didn’t seem worth it to get the few hours of reprieve, especially when I knew it would just come back and feel worse once everything wore off. My surgeon was floored that I was just now getting a reduction at 25, seeing as I had had pain like that since I was 12.
To top this whole catastrophe off, I’ll answer the last question. No, my boobs did not get me boyfriends.
They only garnered me the unwanted attention of men, because, especially for younger men, the bigger the boob the bigger the slut until proven otherwise. By the time a guy knew me well enough to know that I was just the unfortunate nerd host to these sentient meat sacks of pain, I was no longer a sexual interest, but also not even a romantic one. It seemed that once I was one I couldn’t be the other to a lot of guys.
I remember one of the football players in high school that was in my journalism class had pulled me aside one day and abruptly apologized for what the football team was saying about me. I hadn’t heard anything, so I asked what he was talking about, to which he nervously looked down quickly and whispered, “You know, about your… boobs.” I had not heard what the football team was saying about me, but I’m guessing that I’m glad I don’t know. I thanked him, and I thank him everyday for being so considerate of someone he barely knew over the people he played and worked with everyday.
I didn’t start dating until I was 22, and I think my boobs had a lot to do with that. Not that my love life is on fire now, but I think that I had integrated my boobs into my personal identity, and I knew what type of attention they drew to me. So I tended to steer clear of romantic and sexual attention, preferring to sit like the heroine of a YA novel – waiting to be swept off my feet by three different men while I saved the world from, I don’t know, zombie rabbits, or something.
My big take away from my year with less boob is this: a singular body part should not define who you are.
It should not be so deeply ingrained in your psyche as “a part of you” that it keeps you from doing the things you love to do. A body part shouldn’t effect your dating life or draw unwanted attention from people simply because it’s there. And you shouldn’t have to listen to people telling you to keep something of yourself that is causing you harm, simply because others would “love to have that” or “wish they could have that”.
You should be able to remove, or add, the things to your body that you need for your survival, both physically AND mentally; whether that be adding insulin, removing a tumor, or adding boobs. So take that statement where you want to take it, because you deserve to feel like you.
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