Single: Life After Serial Monogamy

From the day I began dating in junior high, I have always been in long-term relationships, give or take a few months in high school. It wasn’t something that I did consciously or expected to have happen but instead it was just how things worked out. Don’t get me wrong, not all of my relationships were A+ material – in fact, a majority were pretty piss poor in retrospect. But here I am, now at 27, single for the first time in over a decade.

My last relationship was nearly ten years (plus three years of friendship before that) and ended in a metaphoric divorce in every sense from dividing assets, separating up our pets and friends, selling our home, talking through our realtor rather than each other – you get the idea. The relationship as a whole wasn’t good, healthy or happy for a long time – maybe ever. 

But even all of the lessons from these failed relationships couldn’t have prepared me for what life and dating would be like today. Gone are the days of meeting randomly at a movie theater or god-forbid the skating rink. Goodbye random friend requests on MySpace, Facebook or Instagram. Hello dating apps, small talk and getting to know other adults.

Hello singlehood.

This is what I’ve figured out so far.

Dating apps are the worst.
Maybe it’s the pandemic, maybe it’s just me – but I cannot make small talk to save my life anymore. Tell me your deepest darkest or nothing at all. As much fun as it is to play 20 questions with a stranger every single day, it’s exhausting and quite frankly, I don’t care if your favorite color is blue. Tell me what you hate about yourself and why you go to therapy (or even why you should go). Let’s get to the nitty gritty so I don’t waste any more of my time on something that will go nowhere. Plus for every twenty people spoken to, there may only be one viable prospect and at least ten borderline psychos. It’s a real luck of the draw.

Being alone is hard but not impossible.
I’m not talking single-alone, but physically alone. I had been with my ex-partner nearly every day since we were seventeen, minus a semester abroad in college. I have never enjoyed going out on my own, even going to the grocery store or to get food alone would make me a little panicky. But suddenly, that was my only option. I forced myself to go get dinner on my own, just to settle into the feeling of being with myself. I started making a little habit of going to a bar in town on Wednesday nights, having dinner and just people watching. Sometimes I’d stay for an hour and sometimes three – just enjoying the atmosphere and soon it stopped being about fighting the feeling of being alone. I actually started to prefer it. 

Redesigning life can be fun.
I was a teenager when I entered into my last relationship, a barely formed adult who was just bulldozing through life and exited closer to 30 years old with a home to sell, pets to care for, a job to maintain, etc. While I took plenty of time to mourn, adjust and move on, I’m taking even more time to craft who I want to be now. I had always compromised my wants and needs for my partner and now I could be and do whatever I wanted. I could decorate my space the way I wanted. I could buy the groceries I wanted. I could wear the clothes that I liked. I had already been on a path to self-improvement for the last two years and had thankfully built a foundation but now I could let it flourish. The freedom has never felt more enticing.

Don’t ignore gut feelings.
One approach that I’ve designated as non-negotiable is trusting my gut. My last relationship could have ended a lot sooner had I just listened to my gut years ago. Gone are those moments of putting myself second or ignoring my gut reactions for someone else’s benefit. Protecting my energy and space are now the most important thing to me. But don’t get me wrong, I still go above and beyond for those I love, for those who bring the same energy and love to me. But I refuse to waste time on people, projects or problems that serve no value or drain my energy. I owe nothing to a stranger I meet on a dating app – just like they owe nothing to me.

Be selective in your surroundings.
Physically and mentally. Find a space to call your own that makes you feel safe, secure and make it your home. Surround yourself with people who don’t drain your energy but instead lift you to new heights. Give your time and love to those who show up for you, in good times and bad. I tried to keep a lid on things for months after the break up before finally letting those close to me know and it was exhausting. Once I finally told people, the support, offers of help and understanding were overwhelming.

Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s cool.
You’re not meant to connect to everyone. It’s okay if the conversation goes stale or gets to a point where there’s nothing left to say. I have notoriously been the type to continue trying to breathe life into a dead relationship/friendship/whatever, but not anymore. Sometimes things deserve to end. Sometimes they deserve to end without any big fuss or final debate. We’re all here for a good time, not a long time, so stop wasting your precious energy with useless experiences just because.

Listen to your body.
For the last decade, my mental and physical health suffered tremendously in my relationship. I was gaining weight, depressed almost constantly, living a constant panic attack while thinking it was attributed to school or work or whatever current event just happened. Realistically, as soon as I rid myself of that relationship and everything attached to it – I’ve never felt better. Being able to live the way that I want and when I want is the best feeling. I answer to myself only, for what feels like the first time in my life. If I want to go on a run at 5AM? Great. If I want to cook dinner at midnight? Go for it! I feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever before.

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I Made a Vision Board for 2022

After the chaos of the last year, I realized that I’ve never needed vision boards more than right now, as I reinvent myself for the third time in so many years. However, my vision boards have transformed drastically from my first attempt in 2021. 

Did you miss last year’s vision boards? Take a look at I Made a Vision Board for 2021: Part One and Part Two.

Curious if the vision boards worked? Check out How My 2021 Vision Board Helped Me Survive Another Garbage Year.

Here are my vision boards for 2022 – all four of them. 

Board One: Professional Goals

The first board I made, perhaps because it was the easiest to configure, was my professional goals. This board notates the quarterly goals I have at work, plus other goals that I want to accomplish throughout the year. I’ve added some imagery to represent growth with the plant and greenspaces, forward movement with the arrow and overcoming obstacles with the mountain scape.

There are also a few references to setting boundaries included. I’m notorious for always working evenings, weekends and weird hours in between. I will read emails after hours and on weekends, but recently I’ve realized that it’s not necessary to go to that limit. I love my job and the company I work for, but I need time for myself as well.

Board Two: Imagery

My second board was a little more tricky. I wanted to represent not only what I was feeling as I made the board but also to incorporate ideas or concepts for the future. One of the overarching themes I found after making all of the boards was the idea of grounding. Grounding has many definitions but for this purpose I was defining grounding as the act of connecting to all pieces of myself: emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.

I used nature photos as well as quotes to bring the grounding concept to life.

Board Three: Personal Goals

My third board is based on personal goals. I included an image of candles for serenity, a polaroid of myself from one of the worst weekends of 2021 as a way to reclaim that memory, a mountain path as a metaphorical guide for the year, as well as a few motivational phrases. 

As mentioned multiple times in my writing, I’m a fairly pessimistic person naturally, so I wanted this board to remind myself that there is always light and to chase that light, no matter what. 

My personal goals are mostly long-term, quantifiable goals for the whole year. Some of these goals were repeats from my 2021 board, either because I was unable to accomplish them or I adjusted them slightly for the new year.

Board Four: Things to Do / Flex Space

I left my fourth board, painted a plain black, empty for days as I tried to figure out what to include on it. I wanted to have a space to write short term goals or post new polaroids, something that was much less structured and permanent. So this fourth board is plain, basic and will be ever changing.

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How My 2021 Vision Board Helped Me Survive Another Garbage Year

(If you’ve been following PKC for a while, you may have seen my previous posts of I Made a Vision Board for 2021: Part One and Part Two.) 

Fresh off the shit storm that was 2020, I looked into ways to passively motivate myself because I was stuck in a pretty deep and dark rut. I was unhappy in my life and career, unable to find anything that I felt passionate about. I’ve always been one to get interested in an emotional outlet for a few months then move on, be it painting, needlepoint, cooking, etc. I have never been able to find something that helped me long term.

I happened upon the idea of vision boards and if we’re being totally honest, I thought it was all flowery bullshit. The concept of just looking at something and manifesting it into reality seemed a little out of my comfort (and ability) zone. But when I truly commit to something, I go all out. I bought cork boards, yoga and National Geographic magazines, found trinkets and small gifts from loved ones to use. I spent hours locked in my bedroom one weekend trying to design the perfect boards for myself. Even after all of that, I still wasn’t convinced that they would work.

I hung them over my desk in my home office, so that I could have them always in my peripheral view –  a truly passive act. Over time, I found that the vision boards were a comforting reminder of what I wanted without being overbearing. It wasn’t an alarm on my phone reminding me to drink water or my Fitbit reminding me to walk every hour. It was something that lovingly stared back at me while I worked, passively supporting my goals.

It’s starting to feel like a broken record to say – but 2021 was a pretty garbage year. So how did the vision boards impact last year? As a whole, I’d say they were a great addition to my life. At first I looked at them as more of a challenge; ‘what sticky note can I remove today?’ was a frequent thought. However, the longer they hung on the wall and the more busy and shitty my life got, I forgot about the presumptive challenge. It was just a soft light, glowing and saying ‘Hey, I’m here when you’re ready’. On days when I couldn’t complete an entire goal, I’d use check marks to track my progress. This didn’t work on every goal, but the large scale goals like ‘Read 10 books by X date’, I would mark as I went.

While my professional life was somehow miraculously excelling in 2021, my personal life was crumbling fast. How did the vision boards help during this? The easiest answer is they kept me focused. Whenever my mind was whirling with overwhelm and doubt, I could always just glance up at the boards and remind myself of what I needed to do or what I was working towards. 

I wasn’t able to complete all of the goals on my vision board for a million reasons, but that’s okay. It’s just a vision, a goal, not reality. It did help to create a baseline of my vision boards for 2022 though. 

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What I Learned Playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons for 600+ Hours

It’s been almost a year since my first Animal Crossing: New Horizons blog came out at 300+ hours. Since then, I’ve logged over 630 hours and have restarted my island not once but twice which brings me to my third and hopefully final island. I had thought that AC:NH was simply a game to help get me through the pandemic and hellscape that was 2020, but buddy, was I wrong. This last year has tested me to my absolute limits through losing friends, relationships, what I thought I wanted and what I thought I deserved. I’m happy to report that I am definitely on the other side of all of the negativity now, but one thing was always a constant – the happy, brightly hued island I could return to day after day when things were rough. 

Surely, you’ll say, there’s nothing left to learn in that game? You’re probably right, but here we are.

Your island (and life) is only as good as you make it.

Island no.3 has a fall/halloween theme as shown above.

Yes, this is an easy concept to understand but harder in practice. Over the last few months, I’ve been forced in some shape or fashion to really examine my life/island and decide what actually serves me. Like Marie Kondo says, does this bring you joy? The answer for a vast majority of the pieces of my life was no. Definitively no. I was sacrificing myself for others happiness and at the cost of my own sanity. Why continue adding bricks to the house when the foundations are crumbling? Why hold on to something that is dead and makes you miserable when you could just restart? Restart your island. Restart your life.

Don’t be scared by the big picture – take it one step at a time.

My first design zone on island no.3

I found that on island no.2 I was so overwhelmed by what could be that I struggled to bring anything to fruition. When I restarted on island no.3, I made a point to not think about the whole picture. Find a theme, a design, a color scheme even and just roll with it. I opted to spend my time making smaller areas look picturesque rather than throwing furniture all over the island just to level up. The same can be said about life or healing. You can’t tackle a large problem head on and expect an immediate fix – not often at least. Instead, focus on the small actionable problems that will reduce the size of the original. Don’t be overwhelmed by what could be or could have been – focus on what is.

A change of scenery is necessary.

A colorful exterior from Happy Home Paradise.

When moving through life and games, sometimes it’s easy to feel stuck. Unmoving. Unchanging. The easiest way to step out of this mindset? A change of scenery. Whether you rearrange your room, move to a new side of town or restart your island in a different hemisphere – there is always a way to shock the system towards change and growth. That’s not to say it isn’t hard or uncomfortable to make that decision – but it is necessary. You can’t change where you were squandered or deeply unhappy.

 

Surprises can exist around every corner.

A happy client from the Happy Home Paradise expansion.

I am not a huge fan of surprises, but a free update on Nov. 5 for AC:NH filled me with so much joy it was a little ridiculous. The addition of a cafe in the museum, dozens (if not hundreds) of new items to purchase, plus an expansion that mixes the best of AC:NH with Sims, what’s not to love? After 600+ hours, it’s easy to fall into the mundane checks and balances of keeping the island afloat – much like a long term relationship. The updated content helped to make me excited about the game again. Moments like this can happen in everyday life too – you just have to pay attention and be willing to accept it.

Do you play AC:NH? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

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A Podcast to Cure Your Seasonal Depression

It’s officially that dreaded time of year when we’re not only drained but potentially also experiencing SADness (Seasonal Affective Disorder). While the leaves turning from a lush green to a burning red can bring a level of satisfaction – who doesn’t love walking on those extra crunchy leaves? – this time of year can be equally difficult. Between cold weather, waning daylight and the impending holidays, we need something to help lighten the load. 

Candidly, I’ve always tried to like podcasts, but it wasn’t until I found this one that it truly clicked.

Meet Toni and Ryan. 

I first found the loud laughing Australian duo thanks to the handy Instagram algorithm and immediately fell in love with their back and forth style. Their quick wit and raunchy humor helps to add a warm glow to these chilly autumn days. 

Ever hear about the first date with a morgue attendant who forgot to take the body out of the back before picking you up? What about an endless supply of horrendous, cringe-worthy pick-up lines? If you ever just want to sit back and listen to your newest friends tell stories, this is the podcast for you. 
Not to mention, they started a challenge where they would eat one chicken nugget for every patreon subscriber in the month of October, thinking foolishly that they’d get maybe 50. 721 subscribers later, they were able to make a sizable donation to charity.

Do you have a fave podcast that instantly boosts your mood? Share with us in the comments below!

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BABs of TV Shows: Netflix Edition

I don’t know about you, but I spend an almost concerning amount of time streaming shows on Netflix. Maybe it’s because I’m still working remotely part of the week, maybe it’s just ease of access. I’ve found myself watching a lot of shows that I normally wouldn’t (in part because I was running out of things to watch, if we’re being honest). What’s a BAB, you might ask? BAB stands for a Bad Ass Bitch – a lady who doesn’t need anyone but herself (and maybe a group of good friends) to get through life.

Here’s my list of the Bad Ass Bitches of TV Shows: Netflix Edition. 

Insatiable (2019)

Mildly unhinged Patty takes the pageant world by storm after losing a tremendous amount of weight following a particularly bad night of bullying. Played by Debby Ryan, Patty switches from a sympathetic, sheltered character to a bloodthirsty maniac and I, for one, couldn’t love it more. I actually refused to watch this show for quite some time after being a little less than thrilled after the trailers, but once I started – it was hard to stop. 

GLOW (2019)

You can’t talk about BABs without mentioning the gloriousness that was Glow. Regrettably not renewed for a fourth season, this show is set in the 1980’s at the height of the wrestling phenomena and follows a group of women trying to break into the wrestling world. Alison Brie, a personal favorite actress of mine, is unstoppable in this emotional, quirky sitcom. You’ll be laughing and crying from the same episode. I was admittedly late to the party on this show as well. 

Sex Education (2021)

Following the life of Otis, the son of sex therapists, you’re introduced to the modern world of teenage love and hormones. While Otis and Maeve are the obvious front runners, secondary character Aimee, played by Aimee Lou Woods, is an absolute revelation. She starts out as the ditzy popular friend but becomes one of the most lovable and badass characters in the entire show. Not to mention her eloquent way of describing the sacrifices she’s made while baking will surely bring anyone to tears. 

Anything with Victoria Pedretti

Let’s face it, you’ve seen her by now either from The Haunting of Hill House, Bly Manor or You and Pedretti is an absolute force. She is hands down one of the best actors to come out of this decade; capable of such emotional control that she can be a happy housewife and in an instant become a sadistic killer or even a monster.

Let’s bow down to the queen of Netflix BABs.

What BAB of Netflix would you add to the list?

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Why Twenty One Pilots Should be a Part of Your Playlist

I’m confident that at some point over the last decade you’ve heard a song by Twenty One Pilots, made up of Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun. It may have been Heathens from the less-than-awesome Suicide Squad soundtrack or maybe Stressed Out that played all over the radio in the summer of 2015. With the newest album release only a week old – this is why you should have Twenty One Pilots on your playlist.

Genre Bending Music 

TØP started out a rural, hometown band from Ohio playing small venues for a dedicated legion of fans. The first two large scale albums, Regional at Best and Vessel, were raw, rough and full of angst. Since the band’s beginning in 2009, they have ventured into rock, punk, rap, hiphop, alternative, electronica and more even winning a Grammy for Best Pop Duo/Group Performance for Stressed Out in 2017. 

When it comes to live shows, there’s something amazing about the expectation and consistency from fans. I’ve seen three concerts, one from the Blurryface tour and two from Trench, and each time the comradery from fans is inspiring. They know the tours like the back of their hand, provide interactive paper cut outs to use at certain times and are all around – so great. TØP is also consistent. They never do encores, they always end the show with Trees. It’s a comforting experience.

Mental Health Struggles

I know that there have been mixed feelings about this but I really do appreciate the level at which Tyler shares his struggles. Most apparent during the earlier albums, Tyler pulled a lot of the creative inspiration from his own struggles with depression and anxiety. Hell, Blurryface is a literal personification of his anxiety. It’s realistic, honest and something that almost all of us can relate to. Even the newest album, Scaled and Icy, is said to represent being scaled back and isolated due to the pandemic. (Or is it a cover and really means Clancy is dead? #dema) 

The Dema/Trench Lore

If there’s one thing I’m a sucker for, it’s good storytelling. I won’t even pretend to know absolutely everything about DEMA or TØP lore, but boy am I a fan. Mentioned briefly in the Blurryface album (2015), DEMA is a terrible, prison-like place. During the hiatus between Blurryface and Trench (2018), a clikkie found a new 404 page on the TØP website, which include diary pages from someone named Clancy, along with graphics that would later be revealed as clues to the songs on Trench. In the first three music videos released for Trench, Jumpsuit, Nico and the Niners and Levitate, viewers see Tyler and Josh struggling in DEMA, being captured by one of the ‘Bishops’. 

The Quarantine Bop To End All Bops – Level of Concern

As the world was thrust into a pandemic and consequential lock down, our favorite guys released the ultimate quarantine bop – Level of Concern. It was as if they knew that the world needed something positive and upbeat during such a shit storm. Not to mention the 24 hour long interactive livestream where fans could post their own videos. 

Following up the livestream was an interactive puzzle for fans to try to decode. Designed to take up to six weeks to crack, fans a.k.a. The Skeleton Clique or clikkies figured it out in under a week. The puzzle included never before seen photos, graphics, audio recordings and more than anything – a distraction during lock down. 

Each Album Is An Absolute Masterpiece In Its Own

I know, I know, you’re probably thinking ‘damn she drank the kool-aid.’ Maybe I have, but I also know that I’ve been listening to this band for nearly a decade now and have not been let down once by their music. The first song I heard by TØP was Car Radio on 89.1 The Bash (a community college radio station from Illinois that only could be heard on good weather days). I was immediately caught by the intense lyrics, the interaction with the music – all of it. Everytime a new album comes out, I listen to it on repeat – deciding if it’s as good as the predecessors. Every time, without fail, that answer is yes. The newest album, Scaled and Icy, released this month and is full of bops. 

Looking for something deep and tragic?

Try these!

Looking for something light and fun?

Try these!

Looking for fantastic covers or videos to watch? Try these!

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An Honest Review of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I’ll be honest, when I first started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I did not see the appeal. I felt that the comedy show was playing into all of the stereotypes of crazy exes, female friendships and not to mention those god-awful musical numbers. But after watching the first season, mostly as background noise while doing chores, I actually found myself genuinely caring about the characters and what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, I did still speed through 90% of the songs every season though.

Premise: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rebecca, serendipitously meets her high school love on the streets of New York as she’s experiencing burnout. He mentions that if she’s ever in West Covina (where he’s from) that they should hang out. Rebecca takes this as a divine sign from above and moves to West Covina, enmeshing herself into his life. 

**SPOILERS BELOW**

What I liked about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

  • Portrayal of Mental Illness: At the beginning of the series, I’ll admit that I was hesitant about the way that mental illness was portrayed. Rebecca was deemed as being clingy and crazy right off the bat, which as someone who’s been called a ‘crazy’ ex before, that didn’t sit well for me. However, as the show progressed Rebecca was able to grow and not only accept her mental illness but also learn to thrive with it.
  • Complexities of Relationships: We all know that relationships are hard. Sure, there are some out there that have the ideal ‘fairytale’ relationship but for most of us, that’s not the case. Rebecca hopped from suitor to suitor throughout the show, hoping to find salvation with one of them but was never able to. Each main guy, Josh, Greg and Nathaniel, all represent something different for her as do the relationships in our own lives. 
    • Josh was the consummate young love that was never able to develop fully – an idealized love. 
    • Greg was authentic, raw and even uncomfortable at times because he would call Rebecca out all while fighting his own demons- a more adult, but tragic love. 
    • Nathaniel accepted Rebecca, ‘crazy’ and all, while even indulging in it at times – an unhealthy, flawed love. 
  • Real Life Topics – I was not expecting a light hearted show to talk so openly about heavy, life altering topics like suicide, abortions, alcohol addictions, etc. Sure, a lot of shows breeze over these topics – it’s not uncommon. But the way these subjects were approached in the show were refreshing. At many times, I felt like these were conversations that I’d had before with friends or that were intimately familiar. 
  • Gal Pals – Rebecca forms unlikely alliances throughout the show at first to ascertain a better position in Josh’s life; but, ultimately these gal pals become her second family. Paula represents a motherly figure to Rebecca and tries guiding her through the mess that is her life. Valencia, the enemy turned best friend, is as authentic as they come. She knows Rebecca is a mess but also asks her to be a better, higher version of herself. Heather, a one-off experience, adds a level of normalcy to the group – keeping them all grounded throughout the shenanigans. Each friendship goes through a dramatic change during the course of the story – from enabling Rebecca’s behavior to holding her accountable and supporting her to be better.
    • I’m a firm believer in the power of a strong girl group of friends – even though this is something I’ve struggled with maintaining in my own life. 
  • You Don’t Need a Man – The best moment of the entire series was when Rebecca finally realized that she didn’t need a man or relationship, to be whole. She had begun loving herself in a wholly pure way which allowed her to create her own love for herself. At the end of the day, if we’re not actively dealing with our shit, it’ll be hard to find happiness in someone else. 
  • Rachel f*cking Bloom – Talk about a powerhouse of a woman. Bloom, who plays Rebecca in the series, was co-creator and writer on the show. Authentically, Bloom has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorders, similar to Rebecca. She also is not your typical main character/love interest – she’s curvy, short and real – something that they portray accurately throughout the show. (See hit song Heavy Boobs from season 2)

I went into this show thinking it was going to be a horrific, hack job of stereotypes but finished the series with a huge level of appreciation for Bloom and the story that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend told. If you’re looking for a fairly light-hearted show to binge through, give this a shot!

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Neo-noir & Tech-noir films to add to your watch list

As mentioned a few times, I love films. I’ve spent a majority of my short life watching films and studying them – even majoring in a foreign language in college specifically because I loved French films so much. What I’ve recently realized is that I’m drawn to a very localized type of film: neo- or tech-noir. Neo-noir and tech-noir are a subculture of film noir which lasted from the 1940s-1950s. Film noir was popularized thanks to crime dramas featuring hardcracking detectives and police characters, not to mention the femme fatales. 

So what is Neo-noir & Tech-noir? 

Neo-noir is to film noir, what grunge is to rock. It’s a modernized version of film noir that includes similar themes. Neo-noir and Tech-noir films often feature a post-apocalyptic urban landscape set in the vague future with a flawed anti-hero traversing the story. Other telltale signs can include oversaturation/coloration of the scenes, stark lighting in close up shots (see chiaroscuro lighting) and plenty of violence or tension. In general both genres share a lot of characteristics with French New Wave films, neo-noir is set in the current time/recent past with heavy tones of realism while tech-noir is set in the future and often includes more science fiction tones (robots, etc). 

****TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, graphic violence, gore, abuse, drugs, alcohol, sexual assault, animal abuse

Here’s a list of some of my favorite neo-noir and tech-noir films.

Guns Akimbo (2019) [Tech-noir]

This film was a wild ride from start to finish. Not only was I thrilled that Daniel Radcliffe was in another movie but Samara Weaving really stole the show with her batshit crazy character. Set in a futuristic world where a villanous group streams real life murder as a game online, Radcliffe finds himself thrust into the middle of a seriously fucked up group of people. This film is dark, gory, raw and yet imbued with a strange amount of comedy and growth. 

**Delicatessen (1991) [Neo-noir]

A boarding house sits atop a butcher shop in post-apocalyptic France where fresh meat is hard to come by. The main characters spend their time trying to survive the chaotic building as well as the butcher as people continue to disappear. Creators Jeunet and Caro create a timeless world through their storytelling – a world that is dark, dirty, flawed and intensely saturated.

**La Cité des Enfants Perdus (1995) [Tech-noir]

(From the same creators of Delicatessen) In a topsy-turvy world where adults act like children and children are forced to provide and care for adults, our heros are Un (played by Ron Pearlman), a circus strong man and Miette, a young leader of the orphan children. Un is searching for his lost little brother Denree who was kidnapped by the mad scientist running the city. 

**Ex Machina (2015) [Tech-noir]

Words cannot describe how much I love this film. Aside from fanboying over the all star, kick-ass casting of this film (cough* Domhnall Gleeson, Alicia Vikander and Oscar Isaac* cough), everything about this was a masterpiece. Introducing a remote mansion, a beautifully crafted AI system and a helpless low level employee who won a free vacation – what could go wrong? This film will leave you with chills for days if not weeks.

Gattaca (1997) [Tech-noir]

While my mother was a biology teacher briefly, this was her go to film in class to explain genes and DNA. A fascinating science-led dystopia asks many large and uncomfortable questions: what is right? What is moral? How far can science go and still be deemed good? Plus who wasn’t obsessed with Jude Law, Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke in the 90’s? While the gore in this film is minimal and personally afflicted, the cinematography is peak neo-noir. 

Nightcrawler (2014) [Neo-noir]

At times, this film was extremely uncomfortable to watch. A ruthless journalist chases violent acts across the city to be able to be the first to ‘break’ the news on air. With Jake Gyllenhal as the lead, this film encapsulates so much of what’s wrong with humanity: our obsession with gore and depravity in the media. Similar to Guns Akimbo, people tune in to watch the slaughter. 

****TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol

Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2011)  [Neo-noir]

This is one of my absolute favorite films – not necessarily for the gory storyline, but the acting, cinematography and soundtrack are divine. A nearly neutral, bordering on cool color palette sets the stage for this frozen thriller. There are higher levels of gore in this film than others and harsh juxtapositions between the present and past as journalist Mikael tries to solve a decades old cold-case. Also, Rooney Mara is absolutely iconic in this film. (But I’ll be that person – you should definitely read the books, they’re just as amazing).

****TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, sexual assault, animal abuse

I’m Your Woman (2020) [Neo-noir]

This film hit me like a train – I love Rachel Brosnahan from her stellar performance in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, but I wanted to see how she’d be in a gritty, crime drama – and boy, was it a good film. I had no clue what the premise was prior to watching it and it lived up to every expectation I had. Meet Jean, a new mother married to a con-man, who is thrust into a dangerous journey to self discovery as her husband disappears after betraying his partners. 

Other Popular Neo-Noir / Tech-Noir Films

What’s your favorite genre of film?

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Bailey NanceLeave a comment

What I’ve Learned From Supernatural (So Far)

So I know I’m late to the party – 15 years late – but I’m here. Over the holidays, my partner and I decided to start binging Supernatural. Admittedly, I’ve avoided getting involved in this show mostly because I witnessed first hand how crazy intense the Supernatural fandom was online (hello tumblr days). But I’m no stick in the mud, so I finally caved and began watching the show ad nauseum.

This is What I’ve Learned (So Far)

**SPOILER WARNING**

  1. This is not a show built for marathons – In just over a month, we’ve managed to watch five full seasons of Supernatural – a whopping 120 episodes roughly – and boy was that hard. About season three, we were able to accurately guess the dialogue before it happened and could laugh about how lackluster it was. This show was designed to be watched episodically – week by week, year by year.
  1. Not all deaths are created equal – Like in Game of Thrones, it’s important for regular characters to have a good, satisfying death and I assume it’s the same in Supernatural. Bela, one of the regular secondary characters, had one of the most disappointing deaths so far. So much so that I actually had to google and make sure she was actually dead. Ruby, on the other hand, could have had a more drawn out death sequence because she was the WORST.

  2. Sam and Dean are kind of dumb – Hear me out. Sam was fooled numerous times by cute-but-demon-or-evil girls (Ruby, Bela, Lilith) and he’s the one who went to college! Dean, bless him, is a simple man who thrives on simple pleasures – beer, meat and ladies, but still knew right off the bat that Ruby was bad news. Both boys found themselves in stupid situations multiple times throughout the seasons – primarily because of their stupidity for each other.

  3. Bobby is the best hunter – Hands down, Bobby is the only hunter worth a shit and this is shown again and again throughout the show. While he does get a fair amount of screen time, it’s always as the plucky sidekick. In season five, Bobby singlehandedly expels a demon out of his own body while possessed and NO ONE cared for more than a few minutes. That is some badassery if I’ve ever seen it.

  4. Yellow Eyes is scarier than Lilith – Yes, Lilith was awesome and I wish we could have spent more time delving into her character, but Yellow Eyes – what a villain. Carried through six seasons on loose lore, occasional sightings and a burning hatred, Yellow Eyes was the villain that kept giving. As new villains and characters were introduced, I kept coming back to Yellow Eyes and wishing that he would join in on the fun again.

  5. An actors rite of passage – I am fully convinced that at some point if you were trying to become an actor in the 2000’s, you ended up having a cameo on Supernatural. Half the fun of watching the show is going, ‘Oh hey, that’s so-and-so from (insert show title)’ or whichever show. From Jared Keeso of Letterkenny to Dylan Minette of 13 Reasons Why to Ashley Benson of Pretty Little Liars – everyone has been on this show.

  6. When in doubt, salt and burn the bones – For the first few seasons, every ‘evil’ encountered was able to be remedied by you guessed it – salting and burning the bones. It’s kind of up there with how every person sick on ‘House’ always seemingly had lupus at first. Obviously as the villains and demons started to become stronger and crazier, the methods had to change, but when in doubt, salt and burn the bones. You’ll probably be okay. 

While I am only a third of the way through the series, I’ll continue updating as new points come to light. If you’re looking for something lighthearted and fun to turn on in the background while doing laundry, this is not it. But this show can help pass the time regardless.

Bailey NanceLeave a comment

Literary Wellness To Pass The Time

For those aspiring toward self-betterment, or those simply looking to cope with mental illness: keep reading. When I moved to the ‘big’ city, I left my therapist behind. After switching companies twice and health insurance three times, I never found a new one. Maybe it’s social anxiety, maybe it’s laziness. Who knows. Instead, during an especially desperate, depression-spiral induced shopping trip to Barnes & Noble two years ago, I started buying self-help books. These are the ones I’ve found and what I’ve learned from them.

First, We Make The Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety by Sarah Wilson

This was the first self-help book that I purchased in my shopping trip of desperation and it’s also the one that’s been the most impactful. This book helped me reframe my depression and anxiety – my beast – into something that wasn’t so intense and scary. Wilson uses her own life for the spine of the story, sharing what’s worked and what hasn’t in her experience. But most importantly, anxiety and depression isn’t showcased as some supernatural horrific, plague-like thing. It’s just a part of you, something that can be made livable, or even beautiful.


Unf*ck Your Brain by Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN

This book was a secondary purchase just in case the FWMTBB:ANJTA didn’t work out. Unf*ck Your Brain looks at what causes our brains to go ‘chemically batshit’ which results in anxiety, depression, you name it. If you prefer hard facts, straight to the point, no bullshit formatting over personal storytelling, then you should try this book out. I felt like this book gave me a good foundational knowledge on the ‘why’ behind the feelings, which is just as necessary as knowing how to work through them.

Emotional Detox: 7 Steps to Release Toxicity and Energize Joy by Sherianna Boyle

I purchased this book on a whim without reading the back – I thought the front cover looked interesting enough. I only started reading it after realizing that a friends’ emotions were causing sleepless nights and emotional stress for myself. This quick read is packed with useful information as well as a C.L.E.A.N.S.E. method for working through your emotions. Boyle, the author, was in an extremely emotional and traumatic point in her life when she began writing the book which made it easier to relate to. I think that it’s never too late to learn how to cope or deal with emotions.

Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans

This book is a part of the design-thinking phenomena created by Burnett and Evans at Stanford. Formatted around the idea of ‘reframing’ your thinking to create a life you enjoy and like, it’s a good tool for those who may be more apt towards ‘workbook’ type learning. There are small prompts, check-in dashboards and more to help you stay on track towards creating a better life. While I’m ultimately not a fan of ‘feel good’ books like this, it was an interesting read and did help reframe some destructive thought patterns. I think that creating physical dashboards for love, health, play and work can help to keep you focused on your goals.

What’s your favorite feel good book?

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Movies with Kick Ass Soundtracks

And I’m not talking musicals. Soundtracks are a crucial backbone to films, a way to engage the audience and let them relate on a subconscious level. Throughout high school and college, I worked at the local movie theater in town. One shift, called ‘Door’ or ‘Doorman’, was responsible for cleaning theaters after each showing was complete (among other things). This ultimately meant a front row seat to the credit soundtracks on every movie as well as the ability to pop into every theater during the film to catch bits and pieces.

Here are some of my favorite films/soundtracks.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) – spooky, dramatic, ethereal and full of longing.

Not only was the film a masterpiece in many ways, the soundtrack really brought it to the next level. The closing credit number was ‘Breath of Life’ by Florence and the Machine and boy – was that a banger. Besides some amazing graphics, the pairing of Florence with this moody, fast tempo bop was pure genius.

Anna Karenina (2012) – timeless, playful, enticing and full of passion.

This is one of my favorite films of all time but the soundtrack is what truly makes you fall in love. The storyline, adapted from Leo Tolstoy’s 1878  novel of the same name, is an explanation of the common themes in life: hypocrisy, jealousy, faith, fidelity, society and progress to name a few. If you’re a fan of Kiera Knightley or period pieces, you’ll probably notice a familiar filming pattern and character groups in Anna Karenina – it was directed by the same director of Pride & Prejudice, Joe Wright.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) – dark, moody, intense and melodramatic.

This film is not for the faint of heart – nor is the soundtrack. This soundtrack is dark, bleak and moody just like the film, starting out with a killer intro introducing an alt version of the Immigrant Song. (Trigger warning – the intro is intense, graphic and has strobe effects). I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent just thinking about this intro and score. 

The Hunger Games (2012) – realistic, foreboding, rustic and folky.

While I am not a fan of the Hunger Games series, I can’t deny that this soundtrack is great. Specifically, one song: Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars. I mean, it’s just jaw dropping. This was the first song to play during the credits and let me tell you – I scream-sang this song every single time. It’s a song that just gets under your skin.

Honorable Mentions

Atomic Blonde (2017) / Suckerpunch (2011) – These two films have a few overlapping songs on their film scores, which is why I wanted to give them an honorable mention. I’ll be honest, I was not a fan of Atomic Blonde – the score in the trailer made me think it was going to be much better of a film than it actually was. Suckerpunch on the other hand is one of the most jarring and ‘mind-fuckable’ films I’ve seen and I truly did enjoy watching it. 

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) – Really anything directed by Wes Anderson is going to have an eclectic and unique score. This is not a score I’d listen to all the time, but it’s still a fun one to turn on in the background. Alexandre Desplat is the man responsible for crafting each unique, timeless score for Anderson’s films. While similar in theme or type, the scores are presently true to each individual story.


Game of Thrones (2011-2019) – Composer Ramin Djawadi is a genius, without argument. Scoring a show is difficult no doubt, but scoring a show that runs for nearly a decade? Unthinkable. His scores are unique, effervescent and transcending. As soon as you hear one of his scores, you’re immediately transported into that moment in the show. Plus, he cleverly reused the intro theme multiple times in different ways.

Bailey NanceLeave a comment