I don’t really know the exact words to say that could best explain how I feel about this topic. I have taken years to evaluate how I feel; and I think, as a woman, we just need to talk about this. I have yet to see this type of dialogue openly discussed. This type of topic is very, very taboo. But again, as a woman, I feel strongly we should visit this specific topic, from varying viewpoints.
Miscarriage. 1 in 4 women will experience this at least once in their life time.
For some, they have prayed for years for that baby and finally conceive. Some go through rounds of fertility treatments despite their infertile diagnosis, and by the grace of science finally conceive. By luck, the universe granted a child, so why was it taken away from them? Many search for the answers as to why they had a miscarriage, desperate and frantic to understand.
But what about the women who had a miscarriage, and never experienced the ‘expected’ emotions that come with a miscarriage? What about the women that didn’t feel that inner turmoil, sadness, depression, anxiety, PTSD, guilt, confusion, anger? Sure, they went through the motions, pain, and memories but ultimately they were not upset… what about those women?
I was one of those women.
In 2016, I had a miscarriage. At that time, I was actually trying to conceive but once I did, the pregnancy was not viable. I was not far along; and sometimes I say that to justify my lack of an emotional response, to normalize my reaction to the miscarriage. Over time, it became apparent my ex-husband and I could not conceive. For those of you that have followed my story with my ex-husband, your sentiments may echo those of others who have told me, “it must not have been meant to be” or “could you imagine what your situation would have been like if you did have a child with him?”
The simple answer was no. Because in fact, I did not have a baby.
Every year in October, I see many women share their personal, heart-breaking stories of infant loss.
I shed tears of empathy and sympathy for them and their family. I read those words of want and desire and their prayers finally being answered just for them to be taken away. I know my miscarriage is nothing less or more, but I think it is important to talk about the other side of the dice of life. I want to have children. I want to start a family. I wonder if I can or if my next one will be successful. I have those similar thoughts as other women.
However, I still think back to what went through my head that day. Ultimately, that day I was truly not upset or heartbroken that I miscarried. Maybe my gut knew it wasn’t meant to be… maybe my friends were right, that was the best outcome.
As a person who has studied sociology and has done extensive research on why people react and respond the way they do in uncomfortable situations, I can understand mine and other people’s feelings on miscarriage. As a human, we all process grief differently and that was the first time I had to swallow that hard pill. I grieved later, years in fact, down the road. I grieved that it was not the right time and it makes me sad that the life I imagined then did not play out like I thought it would. But that’s okay — this is the hard part. The life I live now is ideal and positive; but those intrusive thoughts still are planted in my brain.
I took years to type this up, thinking I was alone and there was something wrong with me.
I have so much love to give, why do I feel this way? But there isn’t anything wrong with me. It was a part of my journey, may it be ugly, it still happened, and I am justified to feel the way I do.
To wrap this up, I really just wanted to get it out in the open so if any other women have gone through this: know you are not alone and you are not a bad person. Just because you didn’t have the expected reaction to your miscarriage, it does not mean you wouldn’t have enjoyed your life with that baby. It does not mean you would not be happy or successful or get out of that toxic relationship.
I truly hope this helps others, if anything at least sheds light on the elephant in the room.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger due to depression, contact 911. If you or someone you know is in need of support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255); En Español 1-888-628-9454 or text “HELLO” to 741741 the Crisis Text Line.